I live life through a polarizing lens

“I live life through a polarizing lens” is a line from a song called “Bad guy” by one of my favorite artists “Cal Scruby”. The full line in the song is:

“I live life through a polarizing lens. When I feel the love, they hate again.”

It’s probably one of my favorite lines. It also reminds me of growing up in Iran, and how it was an experience that was very eye opening at a young age.
Imagine the movies where a kid is bullied for just being bullied and eating punches on the bus, on the way to school and home... That's literally the whole story.
I took a mental note of the kids that picked on me... Moving to Australia the bullying only turned to verbal in primary then physical... Again, in high-school.

This isn't meant to be a self-pity story.
But looking back now, there's a freedom to separating emotions from interactions.

My sister thinks I'm a professional "rage-baiter" (essentially someone who trolls or says stuff to induce rage into someone else and to cause an argument for no reason other than its "funny").

But truth is, I do that sometimes just to annoy my sister so I can fulfil my brotherly duties, I don't do it all the time just some…

(All jokes aside) I have noticed that I have a hard time connecting with friends, siblings and even parents. I think emotionlessly without effort. I know my emotions can cloud my judgement and I am aware of this. So a lot of the times, I will exclude my emotions from logical thinking. I think I think logically even if it goes against my own beliefs and what I really want.

I just wish more people could do that.

What those who think they know me don't know is that there's a sense of curiosity that I yearn for others to have.
To be able to experience the freedom in separating emotions from interaction... And to speak with no motive than genuine curiosity.

I recognize the kind of anger in people who let their emotions get in the way of their thinking, which takes me back to a time of familiarity.
Even though if they're right, not being able to see both perspectives from a third perspective will only cause their frustration to summon more of it.

You don't have to change people.
People can only change themselves through their own paths.
You have to accept people for who they are.

I'm not saying to dismiss their bad behavior and habits. But to, accept and move on.

Change happens internally.

No one wants to learn by force.

Because they can't handle the truth.

I guess that's why I always dream about financial success, so one day I can travel and explore different places & parts of the world and perhaps meet different people and get their thoughts on unfamiliar topics… Because the more familiar your life gets, the more you fall into compliancy.

But the truth of the matter boils down to the fact that all my life I've felt stupid. And I think that's true.
I'm not trying to paint you a picture of how "nuance" or "different" I am. I'm just trying to express myself since people like to talk but nobody ever likes to listen... In saying that I, myself am a hypocrite of what I preach but don't practice.

But maybe I'm being to harsh on myself or I'm saying all this so people think I'm more "self aware" than I actually am? I honestly couldn't tell you.

I just want to converse.

But the truth is also hard to digest so maybe that’s why instead of communicating we inject lip fillers and post TikToks and Instagram with copious captions while trying to get a dopamine chemical reaction in our brain from the likes and comments.

But what do I know.

I'm just an ape with a smart phone like the rest of the mindless population so I'm not different.
I do know one thing though, the truth is hard to digest. So most people will just avoid it until death.

The truth will also make sane people insane.

The truth causes chaos.

Tom Waits said on television “Reality is for people that can’t face drugs”

I will leave the interpretation of that to you.